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 Jokes of the year

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NevonCloud

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PostSubject: Jokes of the year   Mon Dec 07, 2009 8:24 pm

Hello Guys,

Lets start some fun around with good jokes. Smile

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PostSubject: I've been looking for the perfect girl   Mon Dec 07, 2009 8:25 pm

A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man."

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PostSubject: I Quit Drinking   Mon Dec 07, 2009 8:26 pm

This particular joke won an award for the best joke competition Organized in Britain:

A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, “You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time.” The man replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I’m here in London. When they left home, we promised that we’ll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss.”

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs.... “Oh, no,” he, said, “Everyone’s fine - both my brothers are alive”. The only thing is I just quit drinking...!

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PostSubject: Funny Killer English   Mon Dec 07, 2009 8:27 pm

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette... ? "
************ ********* ***
Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

************ ********* ***

once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America.."

************ ********* ***

"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

************ ********* ***

don't. laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

************ ********* ***

it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

************ ********* ***

teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

************ ********* ***

"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

************ ********* ***

My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"

************ ********* ***

"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

************ ********* ***

"will u hang that calendar or else I'll HANG MYSELF"

************ ********* ***

LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

************ ********* ***

Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

************ ********* ***

Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

************ ********* ***

"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

************ ********* ***

Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

************ ********* ***

Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

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PostSubject: Wrong Email id   Mon Dec 07, 2009 8:31 pm

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he
sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail,
expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer

Screen which read:

To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Reached
Date : 28 Jun 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was

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PostSubject: Wife just ran off with my best friend   Mon Dec 07, 2009 8:33 pm

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore!... He is!"

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PostSubject: Love at first sight   Mon Dec 07, 2009 8:39 pm

Anybody explain what love at first sight is??? We know that is tough to define.

We now try to define it with a picture…

Please scroll down… to check it out…
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PostSubject: The Perfect Woman   Mon Dec 07, 2009 9:27 pm

Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends
were already married while Ron just bounced from
one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter,
are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you
THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits
you?"

"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls,
but as soon as I bring them home to meet my
parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on
looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you
find a girl who's just like your dear ole
Mother?"

Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend
crossed paths again.

"So Ron. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One
that's just like your Mother?"

Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just
like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great
friends."

"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged
yet?"

"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't
stand her!"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes of the year   Mon Dec 07, 2009 9:35 pm

1. HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird.



We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a
drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
late, but he made no comment.



Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we
go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but
he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I
asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.




He said it had nothing to do with me and not to
worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he
simply smiled and kept driving.



I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he
didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.



He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed
distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes
later he came to bed and to my surprise he
responded to my caress and we made love, but I
still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts
where Somewhere else.



I decided that I could not take it anymore so I
decided to confront him with the situation but he
had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell
asleep.



I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

2 - HIS DIARY

Today INDIA lost match. Bad Luck...

PS: Such are passions for INDIAN cricket fans, hard to be understood by anyone else

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PostSubject: Clean as cold water can get it   Mon Dec 07, 2009 9:38 pm

A young man went to his grandfather's place to
stay for the weekend. He was sitting down to lunch
when he noticed that the spoons and forks were
encrusted in a thin filmy substance.



He asked his grandfather,"Are you sure you washed
it properly?"



"As clean as cold water can get it" was the
reply.



So the young man shrugged and started eating.



The next day at breakfast he noticed that the
plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit
like dog.



Are you sure you washed it properly?"



"Clean as cold water can get it" was the reply
again.



The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked
at his grandfather, than at his plate and started
eating.



As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog jumped
out in front of him, growled and generally blocked
him from going forward.



"Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!" shouted
the old man from inside.

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PostSubject: Speeding - Helpful Wife   Mon Dec 07, 2009 9:41 pm

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The
officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per
hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise
control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs
calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
"Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car
doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver
looks over at his wife and growls, "Would you
please keep your mouth shut?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it
did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at
his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman,
can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that
you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well,
you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when
you pulled me over so that I could get my license
out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that
you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear
your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the man turns to his wife and barks, "WHY
DON'T YOU SHUT UP!??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way,
Ma'am?"

She replies, "Only when he's been drinking."

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